Gimme your best response

1. Are you putting on weight? You face looks fat.
Oh you are mistaking the air or arrogance filling me up the minute I meet you

2. You should wash your clothes in the expensive detergent. What you are using is not working.
Were you born in an expensive hospital? I will judge you accordingly!

3. Are you sure you should be eating that piece of cake?
No actually I should have it and eat it too – do you mind?

4. You shouldn't be friends with that person.
I know, I should have him referred to you immediately

5. That shirt is not the right color for you.
I can see green in your eyes, which tells me something else

6. Why would you work at that crappy job?
Because your crappy words don’t pay me a penny

7. You're not cutting your steak correctly. This is how you should be doing it.
My My so much elegance that too when I am eating the lion’s meal

8. Is that all you do all day is sit on your computer?
Yes my ass is mine and so is my computer I can sit on it and it will never complain

9. You should use Pledge on the dust in your house.
I pledge not to use anything you will tell me to use around the house

10. When are you going to get married/have kids/get divorced (choose which one relates to you)?
I will get married as soon as you stop driving those men away from here

11. I'm thinking about staying at your house for 2 weeks for my vacation.
Did I at any point say my house is vacant for two weeks?

12. When you are at the store will you get me 2 pounds of bananas and some bread? Oh, and here is some money so you can buy my mother some eggs, prunes and Depends. I'll need separate receipts of course.
I will get you everything only if you spend a dime putting this on a chit and handing me the money in totality